What Constitutes Random?

ran·dom: /ˈrændəm/ -adj. lacking any definite plan or order or purpose; governed by or depending on chance; "a random choice"; "bombs fell at random"; "random movements"

That is too say, on your way home from Bonnaroo, along your pre-Google Mapped route, you did NOT "randomly" find that IKEA that is located off the highway. It did not magically appear out of nowhere. You are not the Christopher Columbus of cheap Swedish furnishing. You can see the damn blue and yellow box from I-75. (See Exhibit A.)

While your decision to visit said IKEA could be seen as spontaneous—that is, NOT premeditated—in my professional opinion I don't believe this to be the case. Me thinks you deliberately chose this highway just for the thrill of pretending to be Zooey Deschanel acting out a scene from 500 Days of Summer.

My prescription for overcoming your confusion of random and spontaneous vs. strategic and contrived: Lay off the indie movies (especially those with the title written in hand-drawn fonts) and invest in a dictionary.

---Your Friend, The English Language

Because Sometimes That Friend Needs Advice Longer Than 140 Characters

We all have that one friend. The one who has the capacity to be incredibly intelligent if she thinks really hard and has Google nearby. The twenty-somethings living at home who cancel plans last minute because they forgot to clear the car situation with their parents. That one friend who majored in communications at a legitimate university but refers to everyone—regardless of gender or age—as girl. The one who will make you wonder if you are talking to a graduate of a nationally recognized university or a Justin Bieber fan.

This is not to say that I am free from flaw or that I have figured out my life because believe me . . . I am not and I haven't. This is simply my common sense advice for all those lost twenty-somethings in the world. The one's driving to work in mom's car. Those poor souls returning to twin beds in childhood rooms. The recent graduates with debt in the range of $16k who spends 12 hours of their days looking for any job that doesn't involve fry grease or a paycheck based solely on commission.

What started as semi-witty retorts to a friend via iChat and text messages was then copied onto Twitter. Since some of my advice is impossible to fit into 140 characters I have expanded the Advice for Croz empire into this blog. Subscribe to our Twitter feed so you can give all of our the advice your friend.